My Kids

Thinking alot lately as I watch my sweet daughter contemplate the upcoming birth of our precious baby and remembering the four times I spent in her shoes.  Each time was well thought out but not without challenges.  As I sit here now approaching the end of the "raising children" part of my journey,  sad they are grown and not needing me so much anymore but loving watching them be themselves.  Sometimes when they are here together I  sit quietly and watch them laugh with each other and tuck it away for another day long from now when they are busy with their own children, and they are sitting quietly watching them laugh together.  My mother always tells me that I have done a good job raising my sweet children, and though I appreciate that, I think that they are who they are not because of what I have done but because of who they are as individuals and as a whole, the four of them together.  My hope is that they always will look to each other for whatever they need, stay close and be friends.  Thanks to my kids for the amazing adults they have become, for the choices they have made, the spouses they have chosen and will choose in the future, for my grandchildren.  This past month has brought some challenges to our family in a way that was totally unexpected.  Because it is mostly my children who read this Blog I feel safe in talking a little bit about it here.  Sometimes I sit here at the computer and look at our family picture taken last fall.  When I see myself I wonder, where is she. Where is that person that used to be me.  I  am fighting every day to find her, and though I am told it is a long journey I still wake up every morning and hope for a better day.  I am sorry to my children and Kevin for what I have put them through.  I know that I have put them in a place they never thought they would be, especially my sweet Hillary.  I am sorry that you have all lost your mother for a while, I know you miss her. I do too.  Please know how much I love you and that I will continue to fight every day for you.  I have faith in the Priesthood and know that the Lord answers prayers in his own time and way and I hang on to that.  Hopefully in a few months I will look back on this experience and think of all the things I learned because of it.  Tomorrow will be a better day. To my kids remember, as always, you are my reason to breathe.